To let life be, or to shape life?

Paul Coehlo wrote in The Alchemist, "The universe will conspire to help us realize our destiny."

Could this really be true? Is my life already all planned out for me? Like the Matrix, where there is a master plan for everyone?

If this was true, it's a huge relief for I have recently been questioning my purpose for living. This question ain't easy to answer. I searched and searched for 3 years and still have not found an answer. Sometimes, out of exhaustion, I tell myself to just live life and let life be.

But I have always believed that my destiny is in my hands. (I remember for years, I refuse to allow my very good friend, a pyschic, to read my palm. I told him, "don't bother, I will change the lines on my palm". That was how cocky I was.)

So, where to go from here? To live life and let life be, or to be constantly make concious attempts to shape your life?

Only We Complete Ourselves

People don't complete us.
We complete outselves.
If we haven't the power to complete ourselves, the search for love becomes a search for self-annihilation, then we try to convince ourselves that self-annihilation is love

[Erica Jong]

When I told a friend this, he commented that we have just made Jerry Mcguire totally irrelevant. Ironic isn't - what romantic Hollywood movies plants in our naive little minds.



We always have tendencies to lose ourselves in life... it's always a fine line between the good ol' mom-always-told-me "give-and-take la" and compromising our own needs.

It's not easy you now, to continuously convince yourself that you don't need people to complete you. Because you do need them in many ways. Regardless of how confident one is, on a daily basis, we crave for approval from soceity, from bosses, from friends.

In uni, the word "teamwork" was drilled deep down into my skull. Now, I have to go individualism... life is indeed confusing.

I tried, I really did try not to lose myself with DK. I filled my days with my work, my marketing plans, my visions, my ambitions, my dreams and my fantasies. I made known what I wanted, and when I was happy or unhappy. But despite what seemed to me a successful project of staying true to my soul, after a year and a heart-breaking episode, I think I did perhaps lose a little too much of myself.

Is Erica's phrase too idealistic, too romantic? Can we ever really do that - to remain as we are, and yet to hope that the other person will work into to our mold. I have met friends who compromised and still have a wonderful relationship (or at least it seems). Are they fooling themselves - that they were indeed meant for each other?

Or perhaps it's people like me who steadfastly believe in such silly phrases - that someday someone who would be the exact fit would bounce along - are we the foolish ones?

Self-sufficiency vs. loneliness

I always felt that being overly dependent and having to beg for help, a sign of weakness. I didn't want to be weak. Neither did I want to be a "velcro", like one of those girls who cling on to a man for financial support, for company and more. And those poor sad souls who require the approval of someone else to justify their existence on this earth.

So all my life, I have strived to be independent, to not depend on others. I make myself do everything a woman can do, and a man can do (most things, that is). Drilling, plumbing, climbing - I push myself to do it all myself.

A man in my life merely has to love me. There's no need to provide for me, buy stuff for me or do any DIY for me.

But I have come to realize that it doesn't quite work out that way. With independence comes loneliness. The fact that you don't need help intimidates others, especially men.

I really don't get this. They detest women who "miao" over them like a horny kitten, but also detest those who don't. Haiyo, very hard to please leh. Since when did being a woman became so difficult?

I always tell my girlfriends, the famous Singaporean 5Cs - I have them all - condo, car, credit card(s), club membership, cash (but could still do with more). The 1C that's missing.....Co*k.

So now, I am all confused. Don't know what to be.

Too Small

I need to get this off my chest. Sex with DK is horrid. Too small, too short, come way too soon. (hmm, I read today about someone's dog having a premature ejaculation - how uncanny....) 5 min, bad foreplay. My symphathies to the wife....

The Bold & the Beautiful + CSI + LA Law = My life in 2005

I simply cannot believe I am still alive at the end of June. My life has been lived out in weeks for the last 3 months - literally.

1. Blowout with a trusted boss
2. Counsellor or sorts
3. Search Warrant
4. Lawsuit
5. Threat Calls
6. Poison Letters
7. Finding Grace
8. Raiding Uncle Chan's house
9. Call from poor DK's wife
10. Police report

I just can't wait till July for the feng shui woman told I would get a break thereafter. 1 more week. Can I just hibernate till then?