Growing Old

It's interesting how age changes one's outlook and character, or more like the fear of aging. From carefree caring soul, the fear of aging can turn one into a selfish, self-centered, cynical soul. The fear eats into the confidence that you have worked so hard to build in the last decade.

A very good friend just told me last week that she "refuses" to be 40. She's turning 37 next year. And I least expected such remarks from her. She was someone who appreciated the meaning of life, the smaller flaws of life... she used to be that. I told her "dearie, I don't think you can refuse to be 40; you will be, like it or not".

It's not just her, I have seen it in other friends too. Age is always an excuse for their inactivity, for their lack of energy, initiave, creativity, money,etc. I say it's all a state of mind. I'm 32 and don't give a shit about it. I don't feel 32, I don't feel of any age. I just like myself for what I have become - a culmination of what I have learned and what I have come to yearn.

Age is after all just a number. Some smart ass just decided thousands of years ago decided to chop up time into blocks of seconds, minutes, hours, months and years and now we are stuck in depression because of him. If he had not, we would just be enjoying our lives without a number and wouldn't know better.

Embrace life. Everyday lived is another day of joy.

If you have to think of your days in terms of growing old, then please, grow old gracefully. Don't grow old reluctantly.

Fear of Dying

I just sat through an excruciating hour of preaching at a wake. The pastor went on and on about how Christians will go to heaven and others will go to hell when they die. And when a Christian die, we should rejoice for they are making their journey back to God's sides where life is more at peace.

It's not just the Christians. In general, everyone is afraid to die. In general, people try to avoid death. Some alter their physical state - they take herbs & hormones, eat exotic animals, practise special exercises (including sex). Some manage their astral state by immortalizing themselves. They work to become matyrs, believe we have an after life, having kids, building memorials, trust funds and wills.

The sad fact is the day we were born, we were destined to die. We grow, degenerate and rot away. That's it. No two ways about it.

Where would you want to be in 10 years time?

We have a habit of asking ourselves this, don't we? And we either have a moving answer or don't have an answer at all. Worse is we have those run-of-the-mill answers - have a loving hubby, nice house, good job, blah, blah blah...

Well this is my answer: NOWHERE ELSE!

I am perfectly happy with my life right now, with what I have and what I don't.

Don't live a life on future gratification. Don't live a life of "-oulds" (i.e. woulds, shoulds, coulds). Don't postpone your happiness.

Shit, I still miss him

I wish I could erase part of my brain. Absolutely outraged with my incapability to flush that stupid Daniel Koh out of my system after 3 months.

How it all started was while enroute from Changi to the Singapore office last week, the cab drove right past his home. And I started thinking about him again. Damn cab....

A few days ago, cleaning up my emails, I read all the mails that transpired throughout our final dispute.

Then on Sunday, out of nowhere, the radio started playing the song "Daniel".

I guess to say that I miss him may not be entirely right. I have no desire to see him or touch him. But I think about him. I hope he is well. I hope the world treats him well. Yes, he still matters to me, in some minute little way.

I almost started bashing myself up for this. But hang on, caring about someone else should not make me a bad person. It's only human... and I am a human, and a woman.(Ha!)