Lives Passed and Coming

Has it ever dawned on you that our lives are so intertwined with each other, and with that of the people around us – their past and their present.

I have always been an atheist. Too stubborn and rebelious to obediently succumb to popular beliefs. I am not sure how I came to believe in reincarnation, but I do. Perhaps it’s intuition, perhaps it was an awakening of knowledge already deeply entrenched within me. You just wake up one day and suddenly realize that you do.

There are also other feelings I just can't find explanations for. Feeling old os one of them, not because of an aged body, but and aged soul. Things that I am experiencing for the first time this life, I feel like I am in familiar territories. Strangers that I meet for the first time, they feel so close and comfortable.

This last year with M has been rather interesting. Our relationship which started out based purely as canine sexual desire became less sexual. We talked much more that we fucked. Despite the lack of passion, I feel that the bond has strengthened. He feels so right for me, like we are a perfect fit. And I am happy with where we are now. I don’t need commitment, public display of our adoration for each other, marriage, or any sort of affirmation. (Karen goes nuts that I can let things hang like this). I am happy and I think that’s all that matters.

Vince said we had many past lives together, as a couple, and matrimony partners. Seems that he wronged me, I hated him and yet we love each other. Apparently, he will be an important companion till my twilight years; but nope, he will not be my husband or soulmate. I don’t have one this life.

Thank you, hallelujah. That's one of the greatest lines I have ever heard from a medium. Forget the hope of finding a hubby, you're not fated for one. Thank you, thank you, thank you. What a breath of relief. No need to wonder further.

The twist is there is another constant companion in my life, may be BL, maybe not. Things with BL have been strange too. There is love as in loving-kindness, but the hot passionate love in not quite there. I have tried and tried - as gently and as harsh as I could - to send him away. He is stubbornly loyal and continues to linger patiently in my life.

So it seems, he has karmic debts with me. He’s someone I felt compassion for and had helped many times, over many lives. But life after life, he was and will be nothing more than just a lover.

I am still unsure how I should react to this statement. I don’t want him to hang on to me like that. I want him to be happy; to get that perfect wife and perfect family that he yearns for. I wish there were ways I could just relegate him of all his debts and “release” him from the pain and suffering of being with me life after life. But Vince said that he is perfectly happy with the state where he is now; his definition of happiness is far simpler than mine. And this is why he still lingers around.

I don’t know. I just hope I have done the right thing and will continue to have the wisdom to do the rights things.

I Will Never Marry

After a year of frustration and complaints, it is now clearer than ever that I will never ever get married, at least not in this life.

I know myself – my needs, my desires and my ways - too well to bend. I don’t think it’s a territorial thing although I keep telling BL about infringement of my “space’. My inflexibility to “bend”, to compromise has more to do with the fact that I have found my contentment and equilibrium, and I know bending would mean moving out of that state. This is exactly why U was so unhappy this last year.

I know the timing may not have been so pleasant, but on the 2nd day of Chinese New Year, the built-up frustration finally compelled me to rake up enough courage to ask for my keys that. He said yes.

Although I have not gotten my keys back, physically, but just the fact that I have managed to vocalized that thought has been such a relief. I actually feel so much closer to BL now because the resentment and expectations just vanished after those words came out of my mouth.

I’m a strange woman, I know…

My Inner Peace Adventure

Last December, I chanced upon a meditation retreat. Somehow, everything seemed destined. I needed a short break, thought of Chiangmai, googled it and found a meditation retreat. By some weird twist of events (and from my sheer tardiness in reading for details), I ended up in Loei, 7 hours northeast of Bangkok, near Udon Thani.

This has got to be one of the most rewarding trips I’ve ever made. The retreat, which was run by the Dhammakaya movement, was beautiful. Lush mountains surrounded the area, with a charming stream running alongside. Although the meditation stemmed from Buddhist teachings and was led by monks, it was conducted from a very neutral angle - no pressure, no influence - it was purely for the spread of meditation knowledge.

The scheduled seemed a little gruesome at first – rise at 5am, no food after noon, and bedtime at 10; no handphones, no notebooks, no contact with the outside world. The food part was a little hard, but I got used to it pretty fast. The perk of rising early was that we got to see sunrise every morning, and it well worth the effort.


Meditation

The meditation experience was good. At some point, once you get pass the fleeting thoughts and are able to still your mind, you see a bright sphere that slowly grows in size. The light sends tingling sensations all throughout your body. I also feel the light penetrating through my eyes and forehead, and feel like what some people say, you 3rd eye, awakening. It’s an incredible feeling that I cannot describe exactly with words. The only way I can describe that feeling is that it’s better than orgasm. It was so good it became additive; I would not want to end my meditation at the end of the session.

The entire week in Loei, I felt so peaceful, so centered, so mindful. My thoughts were so clear. I returned from Loei rejuvenated, with a new calm and wisdom.

A month after I've returned back to KL, I still make it a point to try to meditate, if not daily, at least once a week. I have decided to make an annual pilgrimage to this retreat. I truly believe everyone will find some good in meditation.

On that note, I want to say that I awed by the Dhammakaya's objectives and practices. You may say they are cult-like, but never in my life have I witness 30,000 people coming together in one single location, and sit silently for one whole hour. I swear, that whole hour, all you could hear were birds chirping. No force, no blaring instructions. Even the kids were orderly and mindful. If more people behaved like this, then I truly do believe that Dhammakaya's wise abbot's visio of achieving world peace through meditation might just be the solution for the current world.