Last week, I stumbled upon some interesting things at Mark’s place - condoms and “morning afters”(which of course were not meant for us since we hardly have any sex these days), dresses and a pair of heels. I have known him for 5 years, I don’t have so much as a toothbrush. I used to have one when he was at Sentral, but that toothbrush is long gone.
I always knew he was not seeing me exclusively. After all, I am an advocate of polyamory, ain’t I? But I wished I had not seen them. Then I can continue to live in my little fantasy of denial. Now, the facts are simple and clear – there’s someone else in his life who is more special to him, more than special than me.
I know I should have just locked away what I saw in a corner of my mind and let it be forgotten there. But I am a woman with insecurities after all, and I could not control myself. I ask him to define our “undefined-ship”. I asked him “what” we were.
His answer: Friend…. Yes, just friends. Not special friend, not a companion, not friends who fuck; just friends.
That one word, one syllable cut into my heart like an arrow. I cannot tell you how much will it took for me to hold back my tears and retain some dignity. I managed to… but only until I was out of his sight. Nothing could hold back the ocean of pain after that…
