I Need Work

Work is the only thing that's keeping me sane now.

Have to stopping missing Andrew.

A Scorpion Baby

If you were born, you would have been born on November 14,2010 - a scorpion child. A tiger scorpio. A strong-willed, charismatic leader.

If you were born.....

Abortion is often the turning point that mark the beginning of the end of a relationship.

Perhaps it's best this way move on....

Letter to My Baby

Dear Baby

I am sorry.

I am sorry I did not give you a chance to be born and see this world. You see, Baby, I would never become the kind of mother that you need – a mother who would put you ahead of anything else in this world, a mother who would leave work on time to spend time with you, a mother who would patiently explain the way of the world to you. Most of all, I am afraid I would be the mother that you would grow up fearing
I am sorry I was too scared to make the commitment to you and too selfish to change my lifestyle for you.

I am sorry I wasn’t more careful with sec and contraceptives. I am sorry I did not find a better father for you.

I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me....

Forgiving Andrew

I am not sure if I can ever forgive Andrew.

I can forgive him for sending me an sms about tripe when I told him I was pregnant.

Althought I still resent him for abandoning me to deal with the ordeal all alone, I can, in due time, learn to forgive him.

But I don’t think I can forget the knowledge that while I was going through the pain, he was traipsing around Italy, fucking another woman.

Maybe I should never have told him about the baby. Just get the whole thing done secretly. But at that point, I really needed support. I craved so much for someone to just hold me and tell me that I have made the right decision. But that support never really came either, even after I told him about it.

I know the decision is right. My brain tells me so. What would I have done otherwise? Marry Andrew and raise a child with him? Marry someone who wasn't there for me at my darkest moment? Let's not kid ourselves.

Even if I never married Andrew, the fact is that he would be the father of the child and our lives would be forever entangled.

I made the right decision.

But why doesn't my heart echoes the same.

Why do I miss my baby so much?

More Hormonal Wreck!

The last 2 days, I have been balling my eyes out. Thoughts about the baby and Andrew just creeps up on me and I find myself crying.

My weight has not gone down and it’s adding on to the frustration.

I hate these hormones.

Bye Bye Baby

I have always said I want to experience everything in life at least once. I never thought that it would include an abortion. On March 29, 2010, I have my first abortion, and hope it will be the last. My baby was 4 weeks old.

It was done at Roopi’s Medical Center. The procedure was relatively fast and simple. I was asked to eat 2 pills and allow another 2 to dissolve under my tongue. The pills were to dilate the cervix. After about an hour later, the transferred me into the operation theatre, administered anesthesia and I was out. I don’t know what happened after that. I guess they just suck the living daylights out of the poor thing, literally.

Physically, I felt fine after the operation. Just some bleeding and some rawness in the vagina.

Emotionally, I am almost fine. The things I have heard about abortion is right. This decision will haunt me forever. I will always live with the memory of having had a baby in me, and having made the decision not to have it. But I know I can’t. I am too selfish to make the change in my life.

Sex is Not the Answer

I spent the afternoon with Mark, torn between feeling guilty about having someone else’s baby and feeling the need to have him hold me. We had sex. I needed it, I thought it would help take some guilt away. It didn't, of course. It only made me feel more guilty for making love with him and knowingly lying to him the whole time.

A Hormonal Wreck

Those pregnancy hormones really do crazy things to your body. I have gained 4kgs in the last couple of weeks! It’s not like I have been stuffing my face up, I don’t know where all that weight came from!

The other problem is my boobs. They are so engorged. It’s so swollen that it’s sensitive to the slightest touch - in the slightly painful and uncomfortable kinda way. It hurts to run. I have to hold them in. I swear to god I can fill up my old B-cup-size bras.

This is only 4 weeks in, I can’t imagine women bearing with this for 9 months!

An Aborted Abortion

Went to the place behind Tawakal this morning. Doc did a vagina scan and shows me the “gestation” area – a little dark sac. OK, no blinking yet i.e. no heartbeat. I don’t feel so bad.

But I would not abort today. How the hell did I know that I had to fast? Aarghhh, I have to wait till Monday.

And the darn thing cost $720!! Damn, the cost of sex!

I'm pregnant!

I am pregnant. No kidding. Took the home test twice; it’s positive. Shit!
It’s Andrew's. Must be from that Awal Muharram weekend when I took the Morning After 48 hours late.

My New Porn Career

It started with me taking a picture of my naked breast and nipple. I sent it via mms to Andrew.

Then, I got bolder and took a photo to my fingers masturbating my clit. After that, all hell broke loose.

Andrew and I have gone on to video recording my ejaculations.

I swear I have a bit of an exhibitionist in me.

I Never Knew...

TIP = To Insure Prominence.

Ejaculation... Not Him, Me!

This is a revelation. I never knew that women could ejaculate.

In the past, every time I let a man play finger me, I have always stopped him because I thought I needed to pee. Only now do I know that the sensation to pee is part of my orgasm. And I can ejaculate.

It’s messy, alright. But it feels so damn good.

A Peek of Everest's Peak.

Today, at 1.58pm, I reached Lukla and completed my Everest Peek trek. I celebrated with my furst meat meal for the week - fried chicken with french fries - totall nett out all the detox over the last week of vegetarian diet.

Real Security

For a woman, which of the following provides a greater sense of security?
(a) A man
(b) A big wad of cash
(c) A man with a big wad of cash
(d) A house
(e) A piece of land
(f) A notebook and a hard drive

My answer: F

Yes, I am a stupid fool.

Did I say I was too horny?

Well, not any more. Mr Asia is even hornier. On the second date, he had already pounced in me in the car; in the night under a big old tree. It was weird. The brake was in my way, the gear was in his way. Plus, every few minute, a car with flashing headlights drive by and I was pretty she the driver witnessed our snogging.

The second date, even more heroic acts. Right at the KLPac carpark as the audiences was arriving.

While both times, we ended up having mind-blowing sex in bed, this whole car deal felt adolescent at best. But I fueled the problem. I get wet so fast with him. Seriously, I have to bring fresh undies with me now everything we do out. I wet even when nothing is happening yet – just flirting. God forbid, I may just run out of panties pretty soon.

*I wonder if there’s such a thing as a pussy plug to prevent wetting. There’s an anal plug. The closest thing would probably be a dildo, but for the dear life of me, I can’t imagine walking around with one.

But sex with him is good. Different. Doesn’t last as long, but certainly last longer than microwave sex. Well, he taught me the joy of using an egg vib.

Just got back from Sri Lanka with him and yes, we made love every day.

But it’s not just sex. He is a very loving man. Despite his constant burping and farting, despite his nose digging and leg shaking, he is such a sweet thing.

And his eyes, oh those beautiful eyes. They melted me. I shouldn’t have looked at them, I know. But I could not resist all things beautiful, let along those beary eyes.

I hope I am not getting myself into trouble. I swore I would not hurt him, so I’d better rope in the leash.

Moral of the story – wear panty liners, don’t look into the eyes, have your own apartment and buy a car without brakes in the center aka buy an mpv!

It’s A Fact, I’m Too Horny

According to expert opinion, one of the reasons for my enlarge lymph nodes could be due to my horniness. It seems that one of the main functions of my underarm glands in to secrete pheromones.

Now that they are removed, I worry if men will still want me.

Got Cut Up and Didn't Know How

I just got out of my first operation to remove swollen lymph nodes under my arms last Saturday. It was September 5, 2009. It was quite a frightening experience. No, not so much the operation itself. I was operated by a breast surgeon at Pantai Hospital. The doc was great – Dr. Patricia was a no-nonsense but compassionate lady. The nurses at the hospital were very good – fast, knowledgeable, comforting and always smiling.

It was the anesthetist that was scary, or at least what he was capable of. I have totally no recollection of what happened to me the moment they pump anesthetic into me. I didn’t know how and where they cut me up. I didn’t know what they took out of me. I didn’t even know I had a tube chuffed down my throat until I complaint of tonsillitis to my doctor yesterday. I know that the doc did a good job. But I can’t help but still wonder every day, what exactly happened to me on the operation table. And it suddenly dawn on me how empty and violated those women who have been drugged and raped feel.

India, a food haven

Back from India, well-fed and constipated. Too much of anything is never good, and such is true to flour, potatoes, lentils and chick peas.

But you put another plate of India food in front of me and I will still gobble it down with pleasure. Somehow, the Indians have managed to make everything tastes yummy.

Their bread, oh their bread. I can eat a naan every day and still not eat the same thing twice for a month. They have a hundred ways to make bread and every one of them taste delightful.

Their claypot bryani is moist and bursting with flavors. Their mutton (and yes, I don’t eat mutton) melts in the mouth. Their cottage cheese is another heavenly creation. It does not taste like cheese at all. I thought it was tofu until 2 days later.

Masala is huge in north Indian food. There is masala in everything – masala chicken, masala fish, masala tea, masala pickle, masala dips, masala chips and every other edible item that can be flavored. They even put masala in their Pepsi, and it taste damn good.
The two little complaints I have is their lack of caffeine and lack of greens. Coffee tastes like milk tea with too much sugar. Even cappuccino tastes like milk tea with extra sugar. The Indian palette is a little on the extreme; extremely spicy or extremely sweet, nothing in the middle.

The favorite Indian food colour – yellow, orange and red. Green is jarringly rare. Green leafy vegetables are not a staple in the Indian diet. Beans are their definition of a vegetarian diet. Any greens, if any, comes out looking dead and yellow.