Goodbye Max

You are missed dearly.

My Dear Friend, Maxine

I still can’t believe that Max is gone… forever. I just spoke to her 2 days ago. We were supposed to have lunch tomorrow.

I saw pictures of the freak accident this morning. It was heart-wrenching. She lost control of the car. It was raining. Her car ramped onto the divider and was then thrown off back to the shoulder of the road. The damaged was all on the driver side. She was trapped in her seat. The reports said she sustained severe injury to the head and died on the spot.

Gosh, I miss her so much. She was such a wonderful soul. Why does fate play out this way? Despite all my grouses, she is such a precious friend, always caring, always kind, always reaching out to help. I hate myself for ignoring her when I was busy with work. I hate myself for not meeting up with her more often.

I kept going back to the photos and thought how it was for her in those final moments. The fear… the shock… the pain… I don’t know. I am still wondering from time to time if this is real. It’s just senseless. She has never been a reckless driver.

My eyes are swollen from all the crying. It feels almost the same like when Dad died. There are so many things left unsaid. Yet, I open my mouth and I have no words; I only have tears that could not stop flowing and a heart that could not stop aching.

Missing the Impossible

I really miss Gael. Yes, yes, I know. It's not possible. It’s so true that you always miss what you can't have.

Lessons from Sri Lanka

1. Never ever travel with a non-reader. Max just can’t sit still with a book. She tried to read because I refused to be drawn away from my book, but after just a couple of pages, she will inevitably put down the book and starts talking again. Either that or she would be talking aloud to herself as she reads, criticizing the author’s opinion etc. I almost slapped Max when she loudly claim that she finds people to be stupid for going all the way to the beach only to bury themselves behind a book. Sigh… 2. Never ever travel with someone who has not grown up, acts like a child and who keeps saying, "Don't be bother by me, I just like to do silly things". 3. Never ever travel with someone who has no opinion and whose only response is “as you like.” 4. Never ever travel with some who is ignorant, hypocritical, discriminatory and culturally insensitive. 5. Always prepare small change to tuk tuk drivers, who will claim they don't have change, in hope that you'll let them 'keep the change'. Agree on a price, make him give you the change before you get into the tuk tuk. 5. French men are great lovers not just because they know how to treat a woman, but they are damn good in bed. 6. I should take up French again.

Finally.... 2010 is over.

A new year, a new decade has dawned. 2011. I was 27. I am going to be 37 this year.

Wow, what a journey the last 10 years have been.

Last year, in particular was a rough one.
1. A horrible episode with Andrew.
2. Got pregnant, got an abortion.
3. The Maggie episode
4. The Anushia episode
5. The Mark episode
6. The Mei Kee episode
7. Moving warehouse
8. Endless late night hours.

If there was a time I don’t reminisce the year that was, this was it.

I guess you can’t run away from fate. Last year was the year of the Tiger. The Chinese masters say that it clashed with “tai tsui”. Not sure what it means except that it was a bad year for Tigers. Ell, all I can say it that nothing it further from that prediction.

It was one of the most challenging and emotionally draining year for me. I definitely look forward to better year.

What a beautiful morning!

It rained last night. Woke up this morning to crisp cool air and the melodious choir of birds from the garden.

I wonder if my new place in Bangsar has birds.

How, oh how, can I move away from this place?

Jogja

October 7 - 10, 2010. Spent 3 days there with Uncle James, Aunt Junie & mom. Place was OK, but it was the company that mattered most. It was great to be able to devoted a few days to Unc & Aunt. Mom didn't appreciate the historical aspect of the place, but Uncle James had a good time.

Just Friends

Last week, I stumbled upon some interesting things at Mark’s place - condoms and “morning afters”(which of course were not meant for us since we hardly have any sex these days), dresses and a pair of heels. I have known him for 5 years, I don’t have so much as a toothbrush. I used to have one when he was at Sentral, but that toothbrush is long gone.

I always knew he was not seeing me exclusively. After all, I am an advocate of polyamory, ain’t I? But I wished I had not seen them. Then I can continue to live in my little fantasy of denial. Now, the facts are simple and clear – there’s someone else in his life who is more special to him, more than special than me.

I know I should have just locked away what I saw in a corner of my mind and let it be forgotten there. But I am a woman with insecurities after all, and I could not control myself. I ask him to define our “undefined-ship”. I asked him “what” we were.

His answer: Friend…. Yes, just friends. Not special friend, not a companion, not friends who fuck; just friends.

That one word, one syllable cut into my heart like an arrow. I cannot tell you how much will it took for me to hold back my tears and retain some dignity. I managed to… but only until I was out of his sight. Nothing could hold back the ocean of pain after that…

Love

In love, we win very rarely, but when love is true, even if you lose, you still win just for having the tingle of loving someone more than you love yourself.

There comes a time when we stop loving someone, not because that person has stopped loving us but because we have found out that, they'd be happier if we let go..

Why do we close our eyes when we sleep? When we cry? When we imagine? When we kiss?

This is because THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN THE WORLD ARE UNSEEN.

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind, but keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world. It's the beginning of a new life. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of the people who have touched our lives.

A great love? It's when you shed tears and still you care for them, it's when they ignore you and still you long for them. It's when they begin to love another and yet you smile and say, "I'm happy for you." If love fails, set yourself free, let your heart spread its wings and fly again. Remember you may find love and lose it, but when love dies, you never have to die with it.

The strongest people are not those who always win but those who stand back up when they fall. Somehow, along the course of life, you learn about yourself and realize that there should never be regrets, only a lifelong appreciation of the choices you've made.

Loving is not how you forget but how you forgive, not how you listen but how you understand, not what you see but how you feel, and not how you let go but how you hold on.

It's more dangerous to weep inwardly rather than outwardly. Outward tears can be wiped away while secret tears scar forever.

It's best to wait for the one you want than settle for one that's available. It's best to wait for the right one because life is too short to waste on just someone.

Never Tell A Man You Love Him

Never! Ever!! It only gets you into trouble.

I old Andrew I loved him and he got all emo on me.

I told Mark I loved him and he froze halfway during sex.

Never ever!!!

Hallelujah!!!! Hallelujah!! Hallelujah!

I have been singing praises in my head all week. Rudy has moved back to Mom’s, and is going to pursue a divorce eventually.

Mom is so happy; she has not stopped smiling the last 2 weeks. 5 years of prayers answered! She is short of putting out a whole fanfare to thank the powers up there. And she wants to kiss Vincent all over.

I am glad my brother finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Through the few conversations we have had in the last few weeks, I am also heartened to know that my brother has not been so “thick” and ignorant in the things that have been happening around the family in the last few years. He did observe, but just quietly.

Now, I have to honor my end of the bargain to pay for his divorce lawyer.

I Need Work

Work is the only thing that's keeping me sane now.

Have to stopping missing Andrew.

A Scorpion Baby

If you were born, you would have been born on November 14,2010 - a scorpion child. A tiger scorpio. A strong-willed, charismatic leader.

If you were born.....

Abortion is often the turning point that mark the beginning of the end of a relationship.

Perhaps it's best this way move on....

Letter to My Baby

Dear Baby

I am sorry.

I am sorry I did not give you a chance to be born and see this world. You see, Baby, I would never become the kind of mother that you need – a mother who would put you ahead of anything else in this world, a mother who would leave work on time to spend time with you, a mother who would patiently explain the way of the world to you. Most of all, I am afraid I would be the mother that you would grow up fearing
I am sorry I was too scared to make the commitment to you and too selfish to change my lifestyle for you.

I am sorry I wasn’t more careful with sec and contraceptives. I am sorry I did not find a better father for you.

I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me....

Forgiving Andrew

I am not sure if I can ever forgive Andrew.

I can forgive him for sending me an sms about tripe when I told him I was pregnant.

Althought I still resent him for abandoning me to deal with the ordeal all alone, I can, in due time, learn to forgive him.

But I don’t think I can forget the knowledge that while I was going through the pain, he was traipsing around Italy, fucking another woman.

Maybe I should never have told him about the baby. Just get the whole thing done secretly. But at that point, I really needed support. I craved so much for someone to just hold me and tell me that I have made the right decision. But that support never really came either, even after I told him about it.

I know the decision is right. My brain tells me so. What would I have done otherwise? Marry Andrew and raise a child with him? Marry someone who wasn't there for me at my darkest moment? Let's not kid ourselves.

Even if I never married Andrew, the fact is that he would be the father of the child and our lives would be forever entangled.

I made the right decision.

But why doesn't my heart echoes the same.

Why do I miss my baby so much?

More Hormonal Wreck!

The last 2 days, I have been balling my eyes out. Thoughts about the baby and Andrew just creeps up on me and I find myself crying.

My weight has not gone down and it’s adding on to the frustration.

I hate these hormones.

Bye Bye Baby

I have always said I want to experience everything in life at least once. I never thought that it would include an abortion. On March 29, 2010, I have my first abortion, and hope it will be the last. My baby was 4 weeks old.

It was done at Roopi’s Medical Center. The procedure was relatively fast and simple. I was asked to eat 2 pills and allow another 2 to dissolve under my tongue. The pills were to dilate the cervix. After about an hour later, the transferred me into the operation theatre, administered anesthesia and I was out. I don’t know what happened after that. I guess they just suck the living daylights out of the poor thing, literally.

Physically, I felt fine after the operation. Just some bleeding and some rawness in the vagina.

Emotionally, I am almost fine. The things I have heard about abortion is right. This decision will haunt me forever. I will always live with the memory of having had a baby in me, and having made the decision not to have it. But I know I can’t. I am too selfish to make the change in my life.

Sex is Not the Answer

I spent the afternoon with Mark, torn between feeling guilty about having someone else’s baby and feeling the need to have him hold me. We had sex. I needed it, I thought it would help take some guilt away. It didn't, of course. It only made me feel more guilty for making love with him and knowingly lying to him the whole time.

A Hormonal Wreck

Those pregnancy hormones really do crazy things to your body. I have gained 4kgs in the last couple of weeks! It’s not like I have been stuffing my face up, I don’t know where all that weight came from!

The other problem is my boobs. They are so engorged. It’s so swollen that it’s sensitive to the slightest touch - in the slightly painful and uncomfortable kinda way. It hurts to run. I have to hold them in. I swear to god I can fill up my old B-cup-size bras.

This is only 4 weeks in, I can’t imagine women bearing with this for 9 months!