Commitment-phobic

I almost called it off with BL last week. I have been so frustrated with our every interaction lately, persistently finding fault with him. Gosh, I feel so much like those petty women I swore I would never be. And here I am, behaving exactly like one.

Friends who were eager to dispense advice kept asking me what exactly the problem was. The problem was, and is, I am not sure what the problem is. But there’s a nagging feeling that this is just not right. Two people coming together should be about joy. My relationship is full of frustration, agitation and anger.

The girls said it my issue with commitment, the kind of commitment that BL is expecting of our relationship.

They could be right. I often wonder if all this fault-picking is not my way of finding the imperfections in the union so I can further reinforce my longtime conviction that my soul feeds on freedom.

Sometimes, I think perhaps it’s what BL has asked of me, and what he’s giving back to me simply ain’t enough to balance the scales. This commitment thing, is a huge step for me. He wanted that from me, and once I’ve convinced myself to take that step, I want to see that it’s worth my while, my effort, my courage and my sacrifice (Gee, that was 4 ‘mys’ in a row). You know, a simple transaction of exchanging values. And with everything that has happened, I am feeling cheated all the “mys”.

And yes, I am well aware that affairs of the heart cannot be treated the same way like affairs of P&L statements. What to do, what to do??? Perhaps the business world is too entrenched in me already.

I didn’t that I was really resisting commitment. But then again, I really have never gone into any relationship with the feeling that I’m ready to ride it out for the long-run. Most time, it’s the challenge of conquering and of achieving. It’s funny, isn’t it? I display such eager commitment to my job, but cannot even inch out a fraction o f the same dedication for the people I love.

The very words I coined up a few months back now ring so true in my year… the great eulogy about “Expectations kill relationships. And it’s the people we love most that we expect the most of….”

But then again, I should perhaps add a disclaimer to my infamous quote above. People who are not closed to us do encroach into our private living space. Is that disclaimer good enough? Good enough to wash my selfish sins away? I know, probably not.

Or maybe… maybe…. this is that great love that was meant to be…..