Dried Sahara

This morning, my heart hurts.

I cannot really explain it, but I think it’s time I stop seeing him.

The last month, my emotions have been yo-yoing between joy and frustration.

Sure, I admit, I have developed expectations. But how can I not? We met on AFF. We met for sex.

The rules used to be quite simple. We’re free, we meet and we fuck after that, or at least try.

It has been drier that the Sahara for the last 2 months. I have been driving myself nuts trying to cook up excuses for him not wanting me. Fatigues, declining libido, tough day, inconvenience.

I have been driving myself up the wall questioning if my expectations have been unreasonable. And then ballistic trying to create justify my behavior.

But it has been 2 months! It’s has exceeded the reasonable period for inconvenience and mood swings.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it when I feel like a needy puppy and have to beg for affection.

I have been telling myself to stop seeing him many times. Each time, I allow myself to be drawn back into it.

I don’t know what it is we have between us. I have never been able to vocalize any discussion about it.

What are we? We don’t have a relationship for sure. Just-for-sex friends – that kind of friendship, I can deal with – the likes of David, Robert – it’s OK, the when-it’s convenient-I-am-horny friends. But we are definitely more than that. Then I guess we are friends who also have sex – but if it’s that, we have come to a point that I am not longer sexually desirable. Well, guess that makes us just friends.

Are we? Is he even worthy as a friend? I would like to find reasons to hate him, but I can’t. I can’t. He has been a nice and decent friend.

The problem is me, it’s my mind. I thought I was in control of these games, in control of myself. But I have lost it.

I think I should just move this whole thing into friendship mode, where even sex is not expected. That would make matters between us much clearer and totally free of expectations.