The Joy of Weddings

I don't understand couples who go to great lengths to put on a show for their weddings. I have seen so many of them - perfect selection of songs, eights changes of gowns for the bride and three for the groom, patronizing speeches and pretentious acts of love. Throw a big party and hope your guests will subsidize the bill. I just don't get it.

I don't care if I get married or not. That is not the purpose of my being. But I vowed that if I ever do, I will never put myself through the agony of a wedding reception. Honeymoon wedding would be just great, and you will get a simple card from me informing you of my latest joy and happiness.

My brother is getting married soon. And he is putting up a fairytale wedding. They have been working on it since last year, souveniours with thei names on it, designer wedding cards, customer-made outfits, photoshoots in exotic islands, song list, the whole works.

And customary to being a dear sister, I have to look nice for him on the night. So I went all the way down to Singapore and bought a Daniel Yam gown. For the record, I hate to buy gowns. It's an utter waste of money; you wear them once or twice, most times they just occupy space in your closet.

But for his sake, I made myself buy a brand new one. And I pick a really versatile gown, with 2 sashes that can be tied and twisted in many ways, in hope that I could use this gown more than once.

Yesterday, my brother made a comment that I shouldn't have bought that gown. Reason - it was white in colour and look quite similar to the bride's gown (mine is a simple RM300 gown; hers is a custom-made beige gown with crystals, and a sash too but less versatile, and cost about RM1K). The comment was initially made by the designer (I think he is just jealous) but what bothered me was the fact that my brother allowed it to affect him and passed the comment back to me (which means that he agrees with the statement).

Gee, what happened to having your loved one share the greatest moment of your life? Does it matter whose dress stands out better? Was the gown more important than me?

It's so easy to get sucked in into this whole glamorous she-bang that people forget the reason we celebrate weddings is actually to share your joy and happiness, not your show.

Crucial Conversations

Over the weekend, I attended a seminar on Crucial Conversations. The training discussed how when in a situation where objective and opnions differ, some people will retreat into "silent" or "voilent" treatment, which will not get us anywhere. But things can be solve with dialogue, if only we can creat a safety zone to encourage this.

The entire 2 days, I kept think about what has happened between NY and me. I couldn't stop feeling that we have an unfunished conversation. Karen asked me what is my objective, I said I don't know. But I felt I have unfinished business.

I believe I know what I want now. Lawsuit aside, I wish he could forgive me. That's what I want.

Size Does Matter

I think I found a partner in crime for DK.

I invited Mr EW over to my place on Friday. It's a mistake I know. I should have met him in a public place first. But when he called, and with his persistency, I thought "what the heck".

As I worked my way down, I was just shocked and disappointed. It was too small - both in length and in circumference. I barely had to open my mouth. I could not even feel him inside me.

And he came so fast. He almost did in my mouth, and I had barely started.

True to the Asian man myth, he would not go down on me, but expected me to. What is a 69 if you don't do me on the other end - it's so stupid. And right after he came, that was it, end of story. I think I was all too glad to get it done and over with too.

I guess the chemical wasn't quite there. He was just too judgemental, to opinionanted, too fatherly. But I gave him points for wanting me so badly, and pity points. And so, I gave in.

I don't mean to sound like an SPG, but guess I should just stick to caucasian men.

I miss him

I had a wonderful day today, but somehow ended on a down note because I was made to talked about DK twice. I think it started in the morning, while I was cleaning, I picked up my old dairy and read the entries about him.

How he ruffled my hair, played with my skirt under the meeting table, came to my BBQ party, peeled crabs for me, fed me durian, bought me flowers... I miss him.

And I feel this stab in my heart, and I feel it bleed, the pain exploding from my heart to my head, welling in my eyes.

Damn! I thought I was done and over with this man. I have been having a wonderful time, have been with people who are far more intriguing, and who treats me like a princess. So what's wrong with me?! Why do I still miss him?

What is wrong with me?!!!! I have no answer...

Maybe it's because he was the first man that I truly loved. The other guys before him, even John, all loved me more than I loved them. Most times, I was a selfish bastard who loved myself more. But I did love DK, and held nothing back. This is what they callled unconditional love right? But why does unconditional love hurt so bad?

A Man for Every Ocassion

SC recently told me that he knows the reason why I don't need to get married ~ because I have a man for every little need of mine.

Kenny used to be my man for companionship; SC was my man for intellectual stimulation; and PF was my man for sex. And it was just that simple - whenever any one of those needs arise, all I had to do was to pick up the phone and call.

I remembered I asked DK, which segment he wanted to belong in. The ambitious little prick egoistically told me that he would be my man for everything. After one year, he failed to even qualify for one of the segments, let alone all. Was never there for me, couldn't fuck well, and certainly wasn't too bright.

I never did believe that you could have all 3 needs satisfied by the same man. I mean, that would make the man a "perfect man", and we know this is such a myth, right?

But recently, I met this guy, and he is changing my mind about this. Is this possible, is there such a thing as the 'perfect' man? Or is this just blinded puppy love?

Women and Machines

I finally bought my dryer on Friday. My life is, alas, complete.

Hang on, there's the rhoomba. Oh well, it's complete in the landry sense at least. Ssee, I have bought my washer for over a year and have refused to use it because I don't have my dryer yet.

I remember when I watched the movie "The Love Story of a Washing Machine", I came out proclaiming how stupid it was. Now I realize how profound that movie was. It reflected the person I have become. I am obsessed with gadgets!

I am emotionally tied to my car; life becomes meaningless without it (that's is the main reason why I hate Singapore and Hong Kong; those poor souls). I love my dishwasher; can't live without my notebook, and yippee, now I have my dryer! And god will forgive me if I say I an in love with my vibrator - hey, it's a machine too. Even my toothie-brush is mechanical.

Hey this is scary. Can I live witout them - probably yes. Can I live happily without then - NO!. It's all relative. If you didn't know there was a heaven, you would have been jutt fine with hell. But I know better now, and I cannot un-know it.

Now, when can I get my rhoomba and rabbit??

Ejaculation

I had a 5-hour discussion with SC on Thursday about sex, dicks and skin. The questions was whether it was possible for a man to have an orgasm without ejacualtion. Neither of us had the answer - one is anatomically unable to verify the theory; the other a virgin.

Ringgit Unpegged

Big news of the day - Ringgit has been UPPEGGED!!!

While many have much to say about this, I only have one thing to say.... Man, I feel old. It has been 7 years already? Where did all the time go?

Sex Week

It's totally mad. I have not been getting it for 9 years. Yes, I am not lying. Well, there were the few times with P and of course the famous 5-minute act with DK, but what I am talking about is regular supply. But nope, never had it. And yes, I have felt sad for myself many times over.

But this week, my world went topsy turvy. I had a refreshing Monday, a wild Tuesday, an appetizer on Wednesday, and a blowout yesterday. Hot sex every night of the week!

Friends were flabbergasted, "your chebai can take it ah". I have officially removed EL from the "Samantha" throne. Maybe the act of forgiving DK such a noble one that God decided to reward me this way.

But it is defintely a new chapter in my life. I am meeting some new interesting people. By the way, this is all a result of cyber chat (something that I didn't not believe in until recently, now I am hooked!)

I remember I once asked DK the question - "Which basket do you want to me in? Men for sex, men to mental stimulation, men for companionship?" His egoistic answer to me last year was, "I would fulfill all of those needs, 1 man for everything", which of course we know today, he was far from even any of those.

But the two that I met recently seems to have potential. Especially S... he must be a dream come true. Anyway, right now, I am just enjoying myself. Go with the flow and see where it leads me to.

But still, to be Samantha for a week is awesome!

I made peace

At the eleventh hour, before the "Ah-Longs" wannabes struck out, I betrayed the plan. Against my better judgment, I called him. Somehow, I still refused to believe that he is so rotten through and through. And I didn't want everything to get to a point of no return. Ah Long friends literally questioned my loyalty until I want to squirm into a hole.

He asked for extension, I agreed; took his word for it and made no further advances. I honoured my end of the deal. I promised to give him room and I did. I guess there is no point to corner him if fhe is already in a difficult situation - you kow, adding salt to wound.

Yesterday, he called. He fulfilled his end of the promise, and thanked me for trusting him.

It may seems silly to some, to still trust a man that has proven himself to be totally untrustworthy. But my heart was whispering to me and I couldn't ignore it. And as much as I want to deny it, I still care about him, despite all that he has done to me. There is no way to have loved one so deeply for an entire year and to be entirely unperturbed about his being now.

I don't think we can ever be lovers again, and it's probably best to leave things as is - communicate only when there is a need to. But from the bottom of my heart, I pray that he will be well, that no harm befalls him, that life treats him well.

But it feels good inside - to know that we are not enemies, although not entirely friends, and I guess it feels good just to be a nicer person.

Let's drink to Allah

Last Saturday was madness at the Rainforest World Music Festival. There were 8,000 people on that little patch of green space, over half were drunk and or drugged. Halfway through the night, we had a Pakistani group, Faiz AliFaiz, who sang songs of praises to Allah. No kidding, the guy belched and belched for over an hour. Powerful vocals. The percussion were good, but it got old soon.

The ironic part of it was here you have in Malaysian, land of hypocritival perverted Muslims, a performance of Allah devoted to an audience which the ulamaks would have cringed at. Talk about thing in life going full circle.

Life is so fragile

Yesterday was a depressing day. I found out that while I was having a time of my life in Kuching, a friend who recently gave life to a new baby girl discovered she has terminal cancer, was operated on and started chemotheraphy, all in the span of the 4 days of my vacation. If a short 4 days, while I bragged about not having to doing anything but just waste time reading by the beach, a friend's life was overturned instantaneously.

While AD is battling to stay alive, a friend PH is battling to give life in a very difficult pregnancy. Meanwhile, another (PM) is starting to enjoy the joys of motherhood, while MM grieves over her mom's passing, after battling cancer for 4 years.

It just dawned on me how fragile and precious the spectre of time we have on this earth. Anything can happen in the next moment. Anything!

And the things that seemed so important to me at this moment - my work, DK, bills, money - all suddenly seems so trivial.

I know I shouldn't mull over this. This is after all how the universe works.

I know that shit happens in life. It always does.

But still, tragedy always awakens the soul.

We truly need to remind ourselves to live life as if this was your last day.

Forgiving

It is so draining to remain angry at someone. Although it seems senseless to forgive at this point - to give up the fight for justice and fairness, I also realize that this anger really ends up eating me inside slowly.

Perhaps forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, it is not a sign of defeat.

At this point, I think forgiving is more of making peace with myself, than it is of making peace with DK. I want to move on with my life without this burden of anger holding me back.

The moment I decided to forgive him (and it was somehwere between Kuching and Santubong that this conclusion was made), it was such a sense of relief.

Perhaps this is my lesson out of the entire episode.

What a name!

Was driving into the office and saw a company that has named itself "Khidmat Agresif Sdn Bhd" (translated to Aggressive Services Sdn Bhd).

Don't know whether to be impressed by their potential service level or to be fearful.

Would be interesting if their services had sexual connotations... or even money collection.

But alas, it was a rubbish collection company...

Is the truth always the best?

I recently came to know that the fairy tale I thought I had in the last year was really an unbelievably big web of lies. He was a man I used to think I knew well, but now concede that I was the fool. I have never been so bad at judging a person, but this round, I have failed by all counts.

I never expected him to be part of my life forever. I was all ready to lap up the story about him going off to another country and that would be the end of us. We would remain friends and that's it.

But now, after confronting the facts and piecing it all together, I find the naked truth horribly ugly; so much so that I sometimes rather not face it.

Amidst the daily hustle and bustle, it's easy to pass the guy off as a cowardly bastard, a worthless scumbag. Everytime I share my unfortuante series of events with friends, we curse and swear him. It seems to go well. I get it out of my system and can almots convince myself that my wounds have healed.

But it's on quiet weekend mornings like today, the tsunami of hurt and pain wash all over me again.

It's easier to be mad and to hate, because those feelings are projected externally. But to feel pain and hurt and dejection, these are internalised and they are harder to deal with.

I loved him. I knew he did not love me back as much, but I did not love him to have him love me back. I just enjoyed loving him. And I truly doo not regret it. But it's the deception and knowing that he set out to intentionally cheat that hurts so deeply - knowing that the person you so trust and cared for was out to cause you harm.

I have many times wished I never saw the true colours. The fairy tale, although fake, was so much easier to swallow. If I didn't piece it all together, I would today feel no pain nor hurt, or at least less of it.

Sometimes, perhaps sometimes, it's better to live in a lie.

Is the truth always so important? As some say, ignorance is bliss...

To let life be, or to shape life?

Paul Coehlo wrote in The Alchemist, "The universe will conspire to help us realize our destiny."

Could this really be true? Is my life already all planned out for me? Like the Matrix, where there is a master plan for everyone?

If this was true, it's a huge relief for I have recently been questioning my purpose for living. This question ain't easy to answer. I searched and searched for 3 years and still have not found an answer. Sometimes, out of exhaustion, I tell myself to just live life and let life be.

But I have always believed that my destiny is in my hands. (I remember for years, I refuse to allow my very good friend, a pyschic, to read my palm. I told him, "don't bother, I will change the lines on my palm". That was how cocky I was.)

So, where to go from here? To live life and let life be, or to be constantly make concious attempts to shape your life?

Only We Complete Ourselves

People don't complete us.
We complete outselves.
If we haven't the power to complete ourselves, the search for love becomes a search for self-annihilation, then we try to convince ourselves that self-annihilation is love

[Erica Jong]

When I told a friend this, he commented that we have just made Jerry Mcguire totally irrelevant. Ironic isn't - what romantic Hollywood movies plants in our naive little minds.



We always have tendencies to lose ourselves in life... it's always a fine line between the good ol' mom-always-told-me "give-and-take la" and compromising our own needs.

It's not easy you now, to continuously convince yourself that you don't need people to complete you. Because you do need them in many ways. Regardless of how confident one is, on a daily basis, we crave for approval from soceity, from bosses, from friends.

In uni, the word "teamwork" was drilled deep down into my skull. Now, I have to go individualism... life is indeed confusing.

I tried, I really did try not to lose myself with DK. I filled my days with my work, my marketing plans, my visions, my ambitions, my dreams and my fantasies. I made known what I wanted, and when I was happy or unhappy. But despite what seemed to me a successful project of staying true to my soul, after a year and a heart-breaking episode, I think I did perhaps lose a little too much of myself.

Is Erica's phrase too idealistic, too romantic? Can we ever really do that - to remain as we are, and yet to hope that the other person will work into to our mold. I have met friends who compromised and still have a wonderful relationship (or at least it seems). Are they fooling themselves - that they were indeed meant for each other?

Or perhaps it's people like me who steadfastly believe in such silly phrases - that someday someone who would be the exact fit would bounce along - are we the foolish ones?

Self-sufficiency vs. loneliness

I always felt that being overly dependent and having to beg for help, a sign of weakness. I didn't want to be weak. Neither did I want to be a "velcro", like one of those girls who cling on to a man for financial support, for company and more. And those poor sad souls who require the approval of someone else to justify their existence on this earth.

So all my life, I have strived to be independent, to not depend on others. I make myself do everything a woman can do, and a man can do (most things, that is). Drilling, plumbing, climbing - I push myself to do it all myself.

A man in my life merely has to love me. There's no need to provide for me, buy stuff for me or do any DIY for me.

But I have come to realize that it doesn't quite work out that way. With independence comes loneliness. The fact that you don't need help intimidates others, especially men.

I really don't get this. They detest women who "miao" over them like a horny kitten, but also detest those who don't. Haiyo, very hard to please leh. Since when did being a woman became so difficult?

I always tell my girlfriends, the famous Singaporean 5Cs - I have them all - condo, car, credit card(s), club membership, cash (but could still do with more). The 1C that's missing.....Co*k.

So now, I am all confused. Don't know what to be.

Too Small

I need to get this off my chest. Sex with DK is horrid. Too small, too short, come way too soon. (hmm, I read today about someone's dog having a premature ejaculation - how uncanny....) 5 min, bad foreplay. My symphathies to the wife....

The Bold & the Beautiful + CSI + LA Law = My life in 2005

I simply cannot believe I am still alive at the end of June. My life has been lived out in weeks for the last 3 months - literally.

1. Blowout with a trusted boss
2. Counsellor or sorts
3. Search Warrant
4. Lawsuit
5. Threat Calls
6. Poison Letters
7. Finding Grace
8. Raiding Uncle Chan's house
9. Call from poor DK's wife
10. Police report

I just can't wait till July for the feng shui woman told I would get a break thereafter. 1 more week. Can I just hibernate till then?