Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Be Grateful

I spent some time in Cambodia lately.

It was an awesome trip… Only when you are in Angkor to see with your own eyes, can you appreciate the greatness of the architecture. You gasped at the architecture, the sheer brilliantness of the design. You wonder with amazement at how it was built at a time when machinery was not available. You immerse yourself in the fantasy of how people lived their lives in those buildings thousands of years ago.





It was also a very heart-breaking trip… I have never seen so much poverty in my life. But it was not the poverty that made me cried. It was the pride and dignity these impoverished people still hold so dearly that shattered my heart. People there are living in terrible conditions. They are struggling for basic necessities – food and decent shelter – is not accessible to a large portion of the people – not because they don’t yearn for it, not because they don’t work for it, and certainly not because they don’t deserve it. But the country is just too poor to stand on its own feet.

I didn’t understand why the market was so busy, from dawn to dusk. Then I realized that people don’t have refrigerators; they come to the market to get fresh food. I couldn’t understand why they barbequed eggs and everything else, then I realize they were still cooking with coals and wood, and it was easier to cook food that way.

Things that are so basic to us… but foreign to them, and unnecessary. Despite their obvious adversaries, they are happy people. They are at peace with the environment around them; they make do with what they have. In every Cambodian, I see more gratitude for life than I have seen in any Malaysian eye. I see more acts of kindness, and I see more love.

And I reflect upon my own life. We have so much and yet still want so much out of our lives. All these complex incomprehensible concepts that are so hard to define – understanding men, challenging jobs, stylish homes, fashionable clothes, tantalizing food and sounds, brilliant government, flawless systems and processes… endless needs.

We live a life of comfort and indulgence, so much of it is not necessary. We live in so much indulgence and comfort that we expense great energy to find imperfections around us, only to be perpetually preaching about the search for inner peace.

When we can afford unnecessary comforts, perhaps we can afford help to the poor. When we can afford unnecessary emotions, perhaps we can afford gratitude.

Don’t be blinded by comfort, don’t forget to say thanks. To say thanks for friends around us, to family around us, to strangers around us who make our lives more comfortable, to Mother Nature for giving us life.

Which is harder? A non-committal relationship or a committed one?

A committed relationship is messy. There’s expectations. There’s obligations. It’s messy and yet fuss-free. You know your boundaries. You know what to expect. You know what you can talk about and what you can’t. It’s stable and stale at the same time. The spontaneity is gone, together with the surprises.

A non-committed relationship can be torturing. There’s fantasy. There’s yearning. You don’t know where the line is and whether you have crossed it. You don’t know where he is and what he is doing and you don’t dare to ask. You tear your mind apart guessing what he is say and what he is not.

I have no answer. Both seem too much work. Better to just be friends and have sex.

Resolutions will resolute themselves

It’s so funny. When you wish to make resolutions, you can’t find good one to make.

This year, I resoluted no to resolute, I suddenly have a whole list of things that came out of nowhere that I would like to get done:

  • Sky-diving (somewhere in June/July - between my Bali and Bangkok trips)
  • Take up a dancing class (belly dancing probably)
  • Take up an art class (saw a good one at Reka Art)
  • Take up languages again (either further on Mandarin, or take up spanish)
  • Take up knitting class (this one, this one I am not sure where it came from)

Got bitten by the learning bug I guess. Or just bored out with my life.

We live life in phases. Sometimes, you are ready to take the world; sometimes you just aren't. Your heart will tell you.

Good Things come in Fours

I found this list in online and thought it was a really good reflection on my life:

Four Jobs You Have Had In Your Life:

  1. Barrista
  2. Graphic Artist
  3. Waitress
  4. Dish washer

Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:

  1. Pretty Woman
  2. Steel Magnolias
  3. Joy Luck Club
  4. Jerry Macguire

Four Places You Have Lived:

  1. Kuala Lumpur
  2. Sydney
  3. Minneapolis
  4. Lincoln

Four TV Shows You Love(d) to Watch:

  1. Sex in the City
  2. That’s all

Four Most Favourite Places You Have Been on Vacation:

  1. Bali
  2. Santa Fe
  3. Cambodia
  4. Sydney

Four favourite books:

  1. Expecting Adam; Martha Beck
  2. Unbearable Lightness of Being: Milan Kundera
  3. Veronika Wants to Die; Paul Coehlo
  4. Happiness; Will Ferguson

Four Places You want to visit:

  1. Mexico
  2. Tibet
  3. Spain
  4. New Zealand

Four of your Favorite Sinful Foods:

  1. Movenpick strawberry ice cream
  2. Bakerzin chocolate mousse
  3. Double fried roast pork
  4. Century egg

Four things currently in your car:

  1. Gym bag
  2. Straw mat
  3. Ang pow packet
  4. Condoms

Sunday, January 01, 2006

What I Want From A Man

  1. I want him to be there with a broad shoulder and a quiet hug when I am in pain.
  2. I want him to be there tell me it’s OK when I am in fear.
  3. I want him to be there to laugh with me when I have joy to share.
  4. I want him to be there for me to love him.
  5. I want him not be there when I want to be alone.

I think these are very simple needs. Why is it so hard to find man who can fulfill all of them? Most times they can only give you one or a few, but not all.

Is it because I have not found the right man? Is it because such a man does not exist? Is it because the man I have now does not feel the way for me as I do for him?

A Brand New Year

Ah…. The first morning of a new year. Full of hopes. Hope of what? Hope of happiness and joy; hope of laughter; hope of love and friendship; hope I will be a better person.

2005 was a painful year, and it sure as hell ended painfully.

Friends betrayed me; friends grew further apart.

What do I consider my biggest joy in 2005?

  • Lee Ann
  • Karen
  • Mark
  • Scholastic

What do I consider my biggest regret and sorrow?

  • Daniel
  • Nyang
  • Pam
  • Wong

I guess net effect is the same then. No better no worse.

When I Cry

2006 is my saddest start to a new year.

I cried and cried the last 2 days. The lawsuit has been settled in what I think was the most amicable way, but left me the biggest victim in this whole saga. With the least to gain to start with, I am left with the deepest losses.

Money is one. But the disappointments in people whom I trusted were the most heartbreaking. I am usually a happy person. You seldom see me in tears. But this year, on two occasions, I had just about cried my heart out.

The pain Pam and Nyang cause me was no less than the pain Daniel caused.

But my tears are not for the injustice imposed on this settlement, my tears are not for my monetary loss. I cry because I am writing off people very dear to my heart. In every friend, you have hope. You hope the best for them, you hope they are well and they will be. This is what transcends to care. When you write someone off your life, this person is being damned to mean nothing. Even a beggar means something, so writing off a person dear to me is a very difficult parting process.

But I promise, this will not make me a less trusting or more cynical person.

I have cried until I have no more tears. I have cried until I am exhausted.

I hope to wake up tomorrow morning a happier person.