The Golden Buddha

Meditation in the last 3 days has been interesting. On Thursday, I started to see a bright light coming from above. The problem is every time I see this light, it makes me feel good and relaxed, and eventually I drift into sleep zone. When I catch myself, then the light comes back, and I drift again.


On Friday, I reminded myself to be more focus. That’s when I started to see the moon instead of a round sphere of light. The same moon I saw on the first night here. The moon was out in the horizon and I felt myself sailing on the sea towards the moon. It felt like an endless journey. Suddenly, the moon turned into a golden lotus. The lotus then turned around and it was Buddha, a golden one. It’s this a dream or I am just hallucinating?

Today, I saw Buddha’s image again, but this time very clearly. I can see the features on his face. The light brighter, and then I started to spin. I got to dizzy I had to open my eyes, and that was the end of that meditation session.

The most stress-free Christmas ever!

Christmas came and went. Today is Boxing Day. It could have just been any other day in Himawan. Theirs was no fanfare; it was just like any other day.


Himawan is a truly peaceful sanctuary. I enjoy the energy here. Everyone is humble, friendly, kind, patient and respectful.

3 days into the retreat, I feel the difference. My mind is more alert and free. I feel lighter, emotionally. Totally stress-free. I now know why the rule is no food after lunch. I find myself more focused during the late evening sessions. I tend to doze off during the morning meditations; I guess it because of the breakfast in my tummy.

Mark finally replied my SMS today, finally. Huge relief to know his surgery went well. His nose is still bleeding, but it’s expected as part of the recovery process. He is checking out of the hospital today.

The Light

Meditation is slowly improving. I started to see the light that the monks talk about. But it doesn’t last long. I am getting used to sitting for long periods now. The last session, I didn’t get stiff legs at the end of the session.

Meditation retreat is great for weight loss! Only 2 meals a day and no food after lunch. I can imagine Mark will keel over from starvation here.


In the afternoons between meditations, I started sitting out in the beautifully landscaped garden outside of the meditation hall. It’s great here. The grass is soft. You see the leave dance in the wind.
Since I left KL, I have not thought much about Boon Lee. On the contrary, Mark was constantly on my mind. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I am worried about his surgery in Bangkok and his recovery. But I guess it’s also a sign of where my heart is.

The kiasu Singaporeans are quite amusing - so much comments, eat like hogs and walk around clutching their belongings as if the people are going to break into their room to steal their precious stuff. There are 2 ladies among the Singaporean group who just couldn't stop farting and burping during meditation. Aside from disgusting, it's distracting. People are shifting spots to avoid them. Me too!

Loei's Moon

After an entire day stuffed up in the bus, we finally  reached Loei. I am so glad I came. This place is amazingly beautiful. Mountains in all directions, fresh crisp air, crickets sing in the night and the moon….. Oh the moon. It is so big and low in the sky, I feel I could just jump and reach for it.  I am looking at it now. It glows and shines, and just lit up the entire sky.

The meditation group is pretty interesting. There are people from all over the world – from US, Africa, Russia, Mongolia, Australia, UL and Italy… and of course a group of noisy, kiasu and ever-critical Singaporeans.

Meditation wasn’t as hard as I thought. I think it’s partly because I had a brief introduction to it in the US and partly due to my yoga practice. As in the past, I still have can shut my mind down. It goes wandering in Wonder-land. Shortly after I closed my eyes and blocked out the other senses< I start to get visions – about work, home, mom, etc. I need to work harder.

Chill, I have all the time in the world.

Here I am at LCCT enroute to Bangkok. What a bad day! Lost my ATM card, missed my flight, had a bowl of inedible laksa & mushy sandwich, and now, my new flight is delayed.

Surprisingly, I am quite cool and composed. Not angry at all. I guess if there’s anything I have now, it’s time.

The Addictive Light

Yesterday was a really good day. During the morning meditation, I started to feel a sense of joy when I was deep in the meditation. I finally saw the light the monks have been talking about. It radiates a light that warms every tiny nook on your body. It sends a tingling sensation through your skin that brings all your senses to live!

After a few experiences with the light, I think I am starting to get addicted to it. I was a little disappointed this morning when halfway through my “enlightening”, the monk guided us to end our mediation, as time was up. Not sure if this is how it shoudl be or not. Should we be rid of desire?

Hmm… apparently teaching kids to be a good person bring good karma. Good to know I am working in the right industry.

This afternoon, I took a short nap and I swear, I have never had, or remembered to many dreams. I don’t know if it’s because of my mind is clearer, dreams are more vivid.

Thank You

"There is no prize awarded for winning last words. A simple thank you will suffice as a display of gratitude and graciousness."

A Whole New Enriching Journey

I have started to get myself a little involved in publishing lately. It’s really been quite enlightening. Authors are people that we should really spend more time with, especially children book authors. Most of the authors or aspiring authors that I have met are the nicest, warmest and dearest people. They are all full of joy and hope. I love their good vibes and vibrant energy, unlike some ranting adult novel authors.

I really would like to become en editor and publisher. There is a great degree of satisfaction to bring a piece of raw test into full bloom as a book. And I certainly think that talented authors with good work deserve some recognition.

It’s e a new and interesting road. I have learned quite a bit in the last few months dipping my toes into script selection and it’s been an eye-opener. Hopefully, before the year is out, I would be able to publish at least one book.

There are so many good authors out there who really need a little help. So far, I have been pretty proud of my little project to help some local authors sell theirs books. Some people really have no idea how good they are; or likewise how bad they are. I have read some good manuscripts, and I have read some mediocre ones too. The good ones warm your heart; the others might just make you cringe and squirm.

Sometimes, authors try to force to many events into their stories and they who piece of work end up to contrived and unnatural. There also those who can argue beauty out of anything done by their kids and spouse.

Having said that, I of all people, knows better how difficult it is to create something out of nothing. Thus, for the effort, anyone’s work should be respected, and their ego taken care of. Any caterpillar has the potential to become a glorious butterfly. Some just needs a little more time and nurturing.

Serene and I are talking about starting a writers group here in Malaysia. I think that’s a splendid idea. I am quite sure it will be a it will more of a learning process for me, than for the authors.

I must say I am on the lucky end of the stick, working for a publisher and having the luxury of being exposed to so many books. I was at a workshop for aspiring authors a few weeks ago. I must say the being the publisher in that room felt like god. The moment these people heard I was from Scholastic, you can see the light in their face. Even the agents look at you differently.

Anyway, the satisfaction of helping someone far outweighs that like short moment of power. This is a new journey, and I will continue to be humble and open.

What lies...

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us.

She Always Gets What She Wants

Britney always gets what she wants. Always. She has mastered the skill of willing things out of her parents. All she needs to do is to persevere and keep asking her parents until they give up and give in. If that doesn’t work, then she stops talking to them. Both are extreme strategies –keep talking, and not talk at all – but works every single time.

So when Britney saw this stick at the store that she thought would make great addition to her toy collection, she told her mom she wanted it. It was white and slim, and it was magical. Britney was thrilled. She could bend and twist it, and it would always spring back into its original shapes. She could tie a string at the end and go fishing with her brother. She could tie the string on both ends and it would become a bow. She could even play golf with it. She could ride on her stick and it would not break. She can’t wait to show it off to brother.

Mrs. Ng was looking doubtfully at the stick and asked Britney if she was sure she wanted it. Britney could sense some resistance coming and launch her counter-measures immediately. “Yes, I want it”, she demanded. “Really?” asked mom again. “Yes, yes, yes, I want it”, she stomped. Mrs. Ng sighed and dutifully paid for the stick.

Britney was so happy. She played with the stick all afternoon. When Aunty Ah Mei came for dinner later that evening, she proudly showed off her new toy. Strangely, Aunty Ah Mei was shocked. She looked at Mrs. Ng, puzzled. Mrs. Ng grudgingly told Aunty Ah Mei that she was force to pay for the toy. Aunty Ah Mei burst out into laughter. Mom joined the hullabaloo and laughed even louder.

Britney was confused and annoyed, but more of the latter. Obviously, there was something between them that she does not know about. “What are you both laughing about?” I had to ask.

“Why did you asked you Mommy to buy this? Do you know what this is?” asked Aunty Ah Mei, giggling between the words. She was pointing at my magic stick. “Yes, it’s my stick and it is magical.” Aunty Ah Mei was still giggling. “Stop it, stop laughing”, Britney pouted.

“Come, let me show you what this” Aunty Ah Mei took the stick from Britney.

It happened too fast. I don’t really remember what happened. All I know was Aunty Ah Mei twisted her hand lightly and I immediately fell this searing pain on my leg. “Ouch!” I screamed. “What did you do? It hurts. Why are you hurting me?”

Aunty Ah Mei smiled, “well, that’s what this is for, it’s a cane. When kids are naughty or do not obey their parents, some parents will use this to cane these naughty kids.” She moved the stick again.

I was taking any chances. I jumped away. Aunty Ah Mei and Mrs. Ng laughed again.

I felt so embarrassed. No wonder Mom was so reluctant to buy it in the first place. It’s a horrible thing! I felt so silly.

From that day onwards, I no longer wanted that toy.

I'm Older Than My Mom

Last week, Mom asked if I wanted to go up to Genting to watch a concert with her. I wasn’t very keen. For someone who has successfully stayed away from that horrendously pretentious and overcrowded mountain for the 15 years, I have been up there twice in the last 6 months. Both times were for concerts with Mom. I was really not up for another gruesome weekend among plastic Vienna and screaming kids until for at least another 10 years. “Whose concert”, I asked. She said it was Michael something. “Oh no, Michael Bolton?” I asked.

“No, Michael Learns to Rock” said Mom. I almost fell off my chair. My mother wants to go to a Micheal Learns to Rock concert! I always thought that band was for kids, albeit kids from an earlier generation. Still, they were too young for me. When did Mom become a MLOR groupie? I guess I should not have been so surprised, since she can name me Shakira's and Augilera's songs these days. Even some Justin Timberlake 'Sexy something' song.

She amazes me these days. I feel like the old fart at home.

Gosh, I still remember her long nag that evening when I wore my first bare back shirt for a party. Now, she’s the one with more back-barring shirts that me. Long before me, she already had a wardrobe of Korean pop-fashion clothes, you know, the dress and leotards thingy.

I remembered the movie I watched with Mark, ‘My Mother is a Belly Dancer’. Well, lo and behold, what do you know… my mom IS a belly dancer. She started belly dancing class last month.

I guess I am happy about it as much as I am bewildered. It’s good that she’s got some hobby.

Commitment-phobic

I almost called it off with BL last week. I have been so frustrated with our every interaction lately, persistently finding fault with him. Gosh, I feel so much like those petty women I swore I would never be. And here I am, behaving exactly like one.

Friends who were eager to dispense advice kept asking me what exactly the problem was. The problem was, and is, I am not sure what the problem is. But there’s a nagging feeling that this is just not right. Two people coming together should be about joy. My relationship is full of frustration, agitation and anger.

The girls said it my issue with commitment, the kind of commitment that BL is expecting of our relationship.

They could be right. I often wonder if all this fault-picking is not my way of finding the imperfections in the union so I can further reinforce my longtime conviction that my soul feeds on freedom.

Sometimes, I think perhaps it’s what BL has asked of me, and what he’s giving back to me simply ain’t enough to balance the scales. This commitment thing, is a huge step for me. He wanted that from me, and once I’ve convinced myself to take that step, I want to see that it’s worth my while, my effort, my courage and my sacrifice (Gee, that was 4 ‘mys’ in a row). You know, a simple transaction of exchanging values. And with everything that has happened, I am feeling cheated all the “mys”.

And yes, I am well aware that affairs of the heart cannot be treated the same way like affairs of P&L statements. What to do, what to do??? Perhaps the business world is too entrenched in me already.

I didn’t that I was really resisting commitment. But then again, I really have never gone into any relationship with the feeling that I’m ready to ride it out for the long-run. Most time, it’s the challenge of conquering and of achieving. It’s funny, isn’t it? I display such eager commitment to my job, but cannot even inch out a fraction o f the same dedication for the people I love.

The very words I coined up a few months back now ring so true in my year… the great eulogy about “Expectations kill relationships. And it’s the people we love most that we expect the most of….”

But then again, I should perhaps add a disclaimer to my infamous quote above. People who are not closed to us do encroach into our private living space. Is that disclaimer good enough? Good enough to wash my selfish sins away? I know, probably not.

Or maybe… maybe…. this is that great love that was meant to be…..

Always A Tiger

Food & Sex

OK, I think this is one of those “Texas, we have a problem” moment.

Last night, after we made hot passionate love (love, not sex because there isn’t yet), the thoughts of food kept creeping into BL’s mind. While I was planting kisses all over his body, he kept reciting names of food that he wanted to eat. A&W waffle with ice cream, pig intestine porridge, fried hokkien mee…. I told him I was not going to get out of bed, get dressed and go slap fat around my waist. Supper is the highway to obesity.

This morning, I woke up all and ready to have a big English breakfast, he says he need to sleep. It is now 11am, half the day is gone. He’s still sleeping and I am still hungry.

Something is very wrong with this scene.

A Naif's Boo Boo with Fat

How much insult can a woman tolerate in a week?

After a big bad blow, I had a big bad row.

After not seeing BL for a few days and missing him, I made an effort to go over to his place to have dinner with him yesterday. Dinner was OK, we chatted while I ate. Immediately after dinner, he moved over to the TV and turned on the mandarin news. It was the end of a long day and I was just too tired to make my brain work doubly hard to translate whatever the newscaster was reading into the lingo I comprehend. With my brain idle, I thought I’d snooze a little on the bed.

BL joined me soon after. We snuggled a bit, he wrapped his arms around my tummy, squeezed it a little and said “fat fat”. I was distraught!! Hey, I don’t usually have a body image problem, but gee, where did that attack suddenly came from? Besides, I don’t think I am fat. I may not be stick-thin like those runway models, but fat I ain’t.

He was perplexed by my display of such extreme reaction to his little remark. I tried to reason with him. It’s common knowledge – the issue of weight is very sensitive among women. “Even if a woman was fat, and she asked you what if she was, you lie!”

To this, he retorted, “But I don’t lie. I always speak nothing but the truth”. Gosh! In the context of him just branding me fat, this was a very bad recovery. It was like stabbing a knife into one’s heart and now you twist the knife around to increase the torture.

“I don’t mean you’re very fat dear, but not what I meant was that you’re not the skinny kind. See, compared to me, you’re not that fat.” And BL rub this jolly beer belly to proof his point. I think my heart sank 6 feet lower. Honestly, I thought to myself, anyone would be thin standing next to BL.

“Don’t worry dear”, BL said, “even if you become as fat as Lydia Sum, I would still love you.” At this point, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to cry and smack him. Lydia Sum?!! Lydia Sum is 6 times my size! I think if that knife was really stabbed into my heart, this would be the moment I exhale my last breath.

Vincent said I’ve got to love him to his naivety. I told him my heart is just too shrouded with frustration at the moment to see that far.

A Big Bad Blow

My relationship with BL is on the rocks. I don’t where the problem is – him, me, or just whatever that is or is not between us.

2 years of pseudo relationship with an arrogant bastard has not managed to make feel as half as small as what BL has reduced me to in just a mere 4 months.

Our lifestyles couldn’t be more different. I am a very private person. My private space and time is something I guard. I can work till the wee hours of the night on weekdays, but weekends are strictly off work. I don’t even want to think about work. For the last 3 years, I have made a conscious decision not to work from home because I don’t maintain distinct segregation between my work and private space.

BL is exactly the opposite. He doesn’t have an office to go to. He only has workstation assigned to him when he checks into his office. Unless there are meetings to attend, he works from home. Over the years, he has lost his ability to compartmentalize. He can be watching TV with you work on his notebook at the same time. Likewise, He can be physically in my space, but his mind couldn’t be further away. You pour your heart to him and end up feeling like you’ve just confessed to a blank wall.

Honestly, I am insulted that I have to compete for his attention with NST Online, Star Online and Bernama. Seriously, I would have felt much better if it was another woman than something as trivial as online news.

Yesterday morning was the last straw. I was going down on BL when we woke up in the morning. He made little moans and groans, and then it stopped. I looked up and saw his eyes starring at the ceiling. I stopped and asked him, “What’s on your mind? Work?”. He nodded shyly. I had no words to describe my anger. I stormed out of the room.

I cannot think of any blow to a woman’s ego. Even if it ain’t that great, show some appreciation – FAKE it! Besides, I don’t think I do such a bad job that department. SL has enjoyed it, as well as a line of many AFF guys.

I told a few friends, and they were all in utter disgust. SC is right, I would never be able to go down on BL again without images of yesterday’s faithful event popping up in my head.

I always thought when you find the perfect love, it's supposed to feel like one of those Jerry Mcguire "you complete me" cliches, make you feel a greater you. Why do I feel so mad all the time these days?

Blood Loss II

I feel extremely light-headed. In the midst of my mens, I went for my regular dental check this morning and end up having my wisdom tooth extracted. Bleeding top and bottom. Geez, I need some of those pig livers.

A Super-Duper Hair Dryer

I now believe that every girl should have a powerful hair dryer. Not the "cheaplak" mini travelling hair dryurer, but those big, bulky one that looks like a freaking gun and will literally blow your head away.

I finally upgraded my hairdryer last week – from 800 watts to 2100 watts!. It cost a bomb - RM180 - yes, I know you think I'm crazy - but believe me, it was money well spent.

It saves me precious minutes every morning. Dries my hair at twice the speed. My hair is fluffier and it make my head feels lighter. I swear, these days, I literally strut into the office sashaying my 'perfect' bob.

P/S: That ionizer really does works - makes your hair less dry, less brittle and smoother.

Heavenly Days

I had a very pampering day today. Went for a swim in the morning, then 2 hours of facial, followed by 2 hours of pedicure. After that, coffee and blueberry cheesecake at Celiacakes with mom; double boiled soup for dinner. Capped the day with a shower and full body scrub with BL plus wonderful love-making. I'm in heaven.....

Blissful Days & Sleepless Nights

I always told friends that I cannot imagine living with anyone. I never quite knew why. Now I know….

Whoever said loves brings blissful days were utter liars! Love only brings sleepless nights.

BL has insomnia. He wakes up every 2 hours to go to the loo. No that there’s that much to discharge, it’s just a psychological consequence of lying awake staring at the ceiling fan. But every time he gets up to do his business, he wakes me up.

With a will to get back my peaceful slumber, I found him a relaxant. Oh, very effective. He sleep like a pig. Not soundly, but noisy as a pig. I could hear his snoring from the kitchen!

This morning, I resorted to sleeping on the couch in the hall. Boy, was I grouchy…. I kicked him back to his own place tonight.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. -- Erma Bombeck, 1927-1996

Love Is When He Irons Your Clothes

Can you love someone so much you fell him deep within the pit of your gut. I think so because I feel him there.

He tells me he loves me a thousand times a day. He hugs me to sleep and warms my feet in the morning.

And for the first time in my life, a man irons my clothes!!! I was totally touched. There a many things a man would do for a woman, but to iron her clothes.... that has gotta be love. It was a dress so pleated, so delicate, that I myself dreaded ironing it. And to see him iron it with so much care... how could one not love this man?

I have always thought I would be overwhelmed with such romantic gestures. I did at first, but now, I am starting to learn to enjoy them.

I still get over the fact that 14 years ago, I’ve actually had a crush on this man. After all the drama, here we are. Destiny? I don’t know. But I think it’s more about the right time and right place, in short, luck.

Wickedly Romantic Trappings

Yes, wickedly romantic things. Not an oxymoron. It’s real.

Things that melt your heart and leave you defenseless. Things that are so sweet, they’re bad for you…

The top 2 wickedly romantic things of 2007 has got to be:
- the Starbucks Dairy
- the “have a fabulous day” sms

Karen was a victim. I have just been one too.

A very dear friend whom I have known for 14 years is suddenly wooing me. I don’t know how long he has been feeling this way, but it dawned on me the morning I received the “have a fabulous day” sms.

Then came the daily “goodnight” and “good morning” smses.

Today, I received the Starbucks Dairy.

It was very, very sweet. But I am so confused.

They attention is most certainly flattering, and I am certainly guilty of reciprocrating the flirts since this great and fabulous realization. But I am confused, and concerned. I am so almost certain I will end up hurting him. And he is too good a friend, I don’t want to see him hurt again.

Oh dear, what to do now?